reaching for star


Hello, LiveJournal! So nice to see you.

Work is chug chug chugging along. It's October. One month of the school year is down the drain. It started pretty quickly - not quite full speed but hardly a slow grow. I'm glad for the income, because it sure is needed around these parts. Child care is expensive! I have three more school years' worth of day care/preschool before Tukey can go to public school. Freaking autumn birthdays! Whose idea was it to have that kid in November? (Answer: I thought it would take more than one try to get pregnant.)

Took the kids to see Sesame Street Live the other day and it was so super exciting. Tukey was way into dancing like a maniac after an initial major freak-out about the monsters/characters. I managed to convince him that they weren't going to touch him and he enjoyed the show after that. There was a point where a couple of dancers were dressed up as chocolate chip cookies and he said, "Those dancing cookies are made of GUYS!" which was pretty much the cutest thing I have ever heard in my life. August was still really into it too, the music and dancing and all that, which I was happy about because I was worried she'd be a little too old.

Fall is in full swing around here and we went apple picking and made a lot of applesauce and apple crisp. We have made and consumed squash pie. We solved the corn maze. The trees are starting to color and the sunrises and sunsets are brilliant rose. Soccer is soccering and is completely adorable. It is getting darker earlier and the nights are so chilly. We are getting some family pictures taken tomorrow by my friend's sister and I'm hoping for outdoor - so fingers crossed on the weather.

Punk is in swimming lessons and I'm committed to them until she can float/swim enough for emergency purposes. I don't need her to be a competitive swimmer, but we go to the lake and we go on boats and well, there are two of them and one of me so there needs to be some rudimentary swimming. She is not loving it but she is making progress and I am really glad for that. I am hoping that by next summer, she'll be a competent doggie-paddler. :)

Life around here is incredibly gogogo and I am perpetually behind but in the end, it's good. It is hard as heck to only have the kids half the time (especially now that school/work is on - the time is so short) and I miss them terribly. But life goes on.

And how are you?
reaching for star


Summer is over.
I am back at work.
Punk is back at school. First grade!
Tukey is in a new day care. Preschool(ish) room!
Soccer on Wednesday and Saturday.
Swimming on Friday.
Dentist appointments for both kids last week.
Doctor appointment for Punk this week.
Work changed over to electronic records and that is madness.
I miss the lazy, relaxed days of summer.
I miss our long, easy mornings to wake up.
I miss our adventures.
I miss the lake.

But we are still awesome.
reaching for star

Here I am, the only living boy in New York.

Just one of those maudlin, introspective days.

Summer is half over.
My grandmother is in the hospital and will be discharged to rehab/nursing.
I never feel like I'm quite enough to anyone.

I am feeling like less of a mama these days now that I see my children so much less. I know that in my heart I am a mama 100% but it is just what it is, just a feeling. Sometimes I like to sit in my feelings a bit before breaking them apart and examining them. But really it's just a tough juggle of choices - I am happier, but my kids may be unhappier. That challenges my intrinsic ideas about mamahood. And about personhood. It's sort of a grey area for me.

A long time ago, when my grandfather was dying and my grandmother was recovering from surgery, I offered to move to RI with my kids and be her primary caretaker. My grandfather and uncle decided that it would be better if my uncle did it, and he has been doing so ever since. My uncle seems a bit burned out by this job (and it is a bog job!) and has made some IMO insensitive comments in front of my grandmother. It bothers me and I wish I could do more for her, more for them.

I guess on this maudlin day I'm just doubting my ability to do family the way I believe it should be done (not that there is a right way, there is just a way I'd like it to be). I want to do more and be more for my grandmother, for my aunt and uncle, for my children, for me. I always want to do more.

"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile."
reaching for star

Aaah, the booj.

A question in the debate community I follow asked something about whether or not a person should have a second child if the first child has special needs.

I really just want to stare at the question-poser with a giant freaking slack-jawed trout look.

All children have needs, dude. Sure, some kids have significant challenges and require more hands-on stuff (I'm thinking especially of medically fragile kids or kids with significant cognitive or developmental disabilities) but umm, all kids are really freaking hard work.

In other news, I'm about to sign my big kid up for 4-6 weeks in walking casts to try to stretch out her ankle joints and heel cords. Bets on how much she's going to hate me? :)
reaching for star


Do you know what feels good?

Looking around at everything, around my whole life, and being able to say, "I did that. I'm doing that." I'm keeping up the house, paying all the bills, footing all the child care, doing all of the kid shuttling, holding down a respectable job, and taking care of two super amazing kids. I am TIRED, and I work really really ridiculously hard, and we are scraping and clawing, but WE ARE DOING IT.

It is really effing awesome.
reaching for star

Grown Up Life

On Thursday, I am getting a new furnace for my house. It is going to cost a lot of money. Thankfully not as much money as it could, because I know someone who is linked to a construction company and therefore has connections - connections I am VERY thankful for. But still. Who has that kind of money lying around? Surely not me!

Now I am navigating the world of heating assistance, and no-interest energy loans. It's good to be a social worker (because I know a lot of resources), but I'm way too busy social working to actually CALL the resources.

Good times. But at least I will have a shiny new furnace!
reaching for star

Busy day

So today I woke up really early with the kids (as usual). Went to the Y for 9AM Boot Camp, which kicked my booty. Took a really hot shower at the Y, got the kids out of child watch, came home and played for a bit.

Jen picked up the kids at noon. I brought Morgan lunch (because he forgot to pack one), then went to lunch with a friend. From there, I did some laundry and then went for a delightful walk outside with another friend, because the weather was so gorgeous. Then visited another friend briefly. Now more laundry.

I may stop in on another friend after her kids go to bed, just to catch up a little bit. Social day. Sometimes I just need to connect with the good people in my village and make sure we're all still ok. I don't get a lot of opportunities to do that.

Dang, I liked that Boot Camp class but I'm sure going to feel it later.
reaching for star


You know what sucks? When you really want to help someone with something, but for different reasons, you just can't. And you really really want to. And they could probably really use the help.

Ugh. I hate feeling helpless. It's so frustrating.
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    frustrated frustrated